My life is strange right now.

Things changed quickly, but yet not.

My sister Debi had been in care since her aneurysm in 2010. She’d been having other health problems, and was in the hospital various times over the past year. The last few times, I was ready for The Call. In April, there it was. My heart aches from missing her, from not doing better for her, but her life was pretty shitty and I’m glad she’s free. She loved butterflies and the color blue, and always asked me for a Styx shirt, and I have a blue butterfly Styx shirt sitting in my office that I never got to give her.

My mom was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in late November last year. She wanted to make it to her youngest granddaughter’s wedding in late June. She wasn’t able to, but she saw pictures. She opted for hospice, and was in an amazingly wonderful hospice house for a couple of days. The last thing I said to her was that we all loved her, we knew she loved us, and we would miss her terribly, but we wanted her to be at peace when she was ready.

I got that call at 1 a.m. Saturday. I was still up, talking to my niece Baylee. I knew what they were going to tell me, but I still automatically asked first how the woman on the phone was. I’m still…I don’t know. Not numb. Just largely calm. I imagine I’ll fall apart at some point. Right now, my mom’s sheets are in the washer, I’ve cleaned out her office, Ken’s going through her paperwork, etc. And I’ve even been getting some work done.

My family, already small, just got smaller.

But it also got bigger.

My oldest niece, Megan, has three kids. I’d only met the oldest as a baby. She’s seven now, and has two brothers. They’re staying at my sister Donna’s place for a few days, and I got to meet the kids. By the end of the evening, I was snuggled under a blanket with them, reading to them. Their hugs are the best.

I just don’t get any more hugs from Debi or Mom.

I can’t tell Debi I learned the Welsh word for butterfly (pili-pala). I can’t ask Mom for details about a scrapbook of photos I haven’t yet scanned.

They know they were loved, though, and will always be missed.

Debi Lynn Dermatis Bruno, February 9, 1957 to April 13, 2021

Joan Marilyn Loewen Dermatis, March 6, 1932 to July 3, 2021